Breaking through the frustration (there IS crying in derby)

Switchbacks drill.  Not a great video, but maybe it'll give you an idea.

We had our first bout of the season Saturday.  There was the invitational a couple of months ago, but this time we skated as a team.  I'll post more about it later, especially after I have photos to share, but right now I want to talk about something else.

Skating in this bout was motivating for me.  I spent most of the invitational feeling lost.  It was chaotic and confusing and I struggled with a couple of skills in particular.  Our coach apparently picked up on some things we needed to work on during that event, and some difficult practices followed.  For me, one of those skills was the 180 toe stop.  The 180 is important.  If you get pushed out of bounds, you need it to turn around quickly and jump back in the pack without making a track cut.  It's also important to be able to stop and/or turn around quickly to wall back up with your teammates once you've been separated.

I was lacking in the 180 department, despite having practiced it thousands of times.  That one skill had taunted me for the better part of a year.  After the invitational, Coach Chip started running a bunch of 180 drills.  Banana peels were hard enough. Then one night, which unfortunately happened to be my first night back after missing several practices due to an evil stomach bug, Chip told us to get on the track and pack up.  That's all of us, skating in several walls, close enough together that everyone can reach out and touch two people.  Chip would yell "switch!" and we would all turn around and stop at the same time, then pack up again skating the other direction.  It was pretty terrifying at first, but having someone skating a foot or two in front of you that you know is about to spin around and face you is an amazing incentive to improve your crappy 180.  I fell lots.  Also ran into my teammates a bunch of times.  Because of this and a couple other issues I was having, I went home crying once or twice because I am NEVER going to be good at this, why do I even try, sob sob sob.  It was a rough patch of practices for me and I sometimes dreaded going, which is part of the reason I haven't blogged for a while.  Luckily I had encouraging teammates.

Sometimes it can be hard to keep lacing up the skates when it feels like you've plateaued and aren't improving fast enough--or at all.  It could be a minor injury, a mental/emotional block, an area of physical strength that needs improvement, or just a general feeling of being the weakest link.  I've done them all.  I have been tempted to give up, but I remembered a bit of wisdom one of my favorite fitness role models, Alison of First Flight, passed along once:  Most people give up just when they are about to succeed.  You never know how close you are to breaking through and reaching your goal.

It only took a couple of weeks of the 180's in a pack drill scaring me half to death before I noticed my 180 didn't suck anymore!  The drill gradually went from terrifying to challenging to very nearly fun.  My 180 still isn't amazing, but it's functional, and I was so glad to have it in the bout Saturday.  I want to be a lot more useful than I was in the bout, and this has renewed my determination to improve.  I know there will be more frustrating practices and weepy rides home in my derby future, of course.  I'll get through it though, and I'm excited for practice tomorrow!

One more thing.  Yes, there IS crying in roller derby.  Sometimes lots of crying.  Don't believe the stickers and memes and garbage that try to tell you otherwise.  There's no reason to feel bad about crying.  Go ahead and let that pain and frustration out.  The important thing is that once you do, you get back on the track and try again.  Those nagging not-good-enough voices in your head are liars.  Your team wants you and wants to help you succeed.  Your body is amazing and will heal its minor injuries.  Doing things that scare you will make you braver.  It might take a while or it might be quick, but one day you'll notice that you're doing it and you'll amaze yourself.  The frustration doesn't last forever if you just keep pushing.  You never know how close you are to success, and trying again is the only thing that will get you there!

Lucky Charmers vs. Fresh Peeps: My first bout experience

Oliver Wood:  Scared, Harry?

Harry:  A little.

Oliver:  That's alright.  I felt the same way before my first game.

Harry:  What happened?

Oliver:  I, uh, I don't really remember.  I took a bludger to the head two minutes in.  Woke up in hospital a week later.

~Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, just before Harry's first Quidditch game

This kept popping into my head in the weeks leading up to my first bout.  I didn't wake up in the hospital though, thankfully.  Ha ha.

A lot has happened since my last post about passing assessments.  To sum it up, I don't think I missed a single practice from that day until our March 30th Shamrock 'N Roller Derby invitational, as I was doing my best to prepare for my first real game.  This was a double header, first a fresh meat bout and then a vet bout, and our URGE skaters were mixed in with girls from various other teams.  Some of them traveled hundreds of miles to skate with us.  It was an exciting day, especially for me, Psycho Sis, and Lilli Smack, as it was our very first bout!

If you know me at all I'm sure you can imagine that I was freaking out for weeks over this.  When I signed up for derby I had no idea how I could ever be in a bout.  Just watching my first bout made me a little uncomfortable.  But I knew I wanted it--needed it--so I took it one practice at a time and just hoped and prayed I'd grow into it.  Over a summer, fall, and winter of practices, I mostly did, but as the days ticked off and fewer practices remained between me and the bout, I started to panic a little.  Finally, the last practice before our bout was finished and I realized the next time I laced up my skates it would be for competition.  I wasn't really worried about getting hurt; I was worried about being totally confused, awkward, and useless.  I was glad, at least, that this wasn't a regular season bout and that I'd be skating with other fresh meat.

Finally the big day arrived and I tried not to panic as we pulled up to the rink.  Luckily I had crafted some items to sell at our merch table and had to spend a few minutes helping to set that up.  It was nice to have a project to keep my mind busy at the last minute.  I padded up and stretched with Psycho Sis, whom I was glad to have on the Lucky Charmers team with me.  She suggested we just think of it as a practice and do our best as always.  Good idea.  We met our team, had equipment checks, and lined up on the bench.  

As it turned out, there were plenty of vets for the vet bout but not enough fresh meat to fill two rosters.  This meant a few vets had to be added to the fresh meat teams.  Some of them were really talented vets.  Some of them ended up skating a lot, too.  In particular, there were a couple of awesome power blockers on the Fresh Peeps (yellow) team.  As such, mostly vets jammed on our team and it was challenging even for them.  It felt good, though, to have a few vets there to push, pull, and yell directions at us.  I need that very much and imagine I will for quite some time.

I had wondered and worried about what it would feel like on the track during a jam, and it was mostly what I expected.  Chaos.  Sort of an out-of-body experience.  I think it was in my very first jam that I remember thinking, damn, I feel like I'm on The Price is Right.  A few different people were yelling at us to do things that must have been plainly obvious, only it's a lot harder when you're the one thrown into the fray with everyone looking at you.  Over the boom of the announcer's play-by-play, the music, the shouting from the other team's bench, and the general chatter of spectators, it's hard to make out one set of directions and determine if it's the set you're supposed to follow.  I'm sure I'll get used to it, but this is why I was so glad to have vets on the track to help us.

It was also a relief to find that when you are called for a penalty, it is not easy to miss as the referee skates up and yells it right at you.  I had been worried I'd miss getting sent to the box and then get another penalty for insubordination.  Going to the penalty box was tricky and I'm glad we practiced it.  There are only three seats per team in the box, and one is reserved for the jammer.  If you, as one of four blockers, are sent to the box and the two blocker seats are already full, you must check in at the box and then be sent back into play until a blocker seat is vacated, at which time you must go back to the box to serve your penalty.  When I read these rules, I thought, good to know, but surely that's a freak occurrence.  Wrong!  It happened to me twice.  At least once I looked around as I was skating and found that I was the only blocker left on my team!

Photo Credit:  Kit Ruff.  I think this is just before I got called for blocking out of play.  This is all URGE girls--Juicy Dat on the left, Arson jamming, and me on the right.

I wasn't in that many jams and that was okay with me.  It was a lot to take in anyway!  I think the worst blooper from my first bout was accidentally getting in the way of my own jammer.  Blush.  I went to the box at least once for blocking while out of play after chasing the other team's jammer too far without realizing it.  There was another penalty I can't remember.  It might have been illegal blocking of some sort, perhaps back blocking or low blocking due to a fall.  There were times when I needed to stop or slow down and didn't do it fast enough.  I need to work on quicker stops and 180's.  One time when I needed to fall back but wasn't, one of the vets pulled me back by the waistband of my (stretchy) skirt.  Yoink!  It must have looked like something out of a Tom & Jerry cartoon.  Maybe I'll start wearing a belt.  Anyway, I tried my best, which is all I can do, and there were a couple of times when I felt I got something right.

My fresh meat teammates.  Third from the left in green is Psycho Sis, blocking Lilli Smack as she jams.  They both did great.  Also, the URGE's Cambo Breaker is right behind them, shadowing a ref.  Photo credit:  Kit Ruff.

As for my fresh meat teammates, Lilli Smack jammed remarkably well for the Fresh Peeps, scoring a bunch of points in her first bout.  Psycho Sis did a good job blocking for the Lucky Charmers and I kept thinking how well she was performing in this bizarre new atmosphere that you just have to experience to understand.  I think we were all sent to the box at one point or another, along with most of our vets.  In the end, the Fresh Peeps won, we congratulated each other, and watched the Cadbury Cream Hers and Blarney Stone Hers play the vet bout.  The Cadbury Cream Hers won.  Then we all crowded together for a photo, cleaned up the rink, and had a great time together at the after party.  Invitationals are fun!  I'm looking forward to doing it again.

This first bout was a messy, chaotic whirlwind for me and it took me several days to mentally recover.  I meant to write about it sooner but needed time to process it first.  I'm glad to have had the experience.  I had to have my first bout sometime, and I'm happy it was a fresh meat invitational.  During the bout, and especially in thinking about it once it was over, I gained a better understanding of how all those rules work in actual play.  Some of our drills make a lot more sense now, and practice somehow isn't nearly as overwhelming.  I feel better about hitting and blocking after experiencing a bout.  It'll be a while before I overcome the nerves and confusion, get enough experience, and learn enough to reach my full potential of usefulness in a bout.  I'm getting there, though.  It's not always easy, and it may not be pretty.  But I'm getting there.

The group shot.  I'm in the back row, fourth from the left in the green shirt.  A huge thanks to Kit Ruff for the photos, because they are awesome and because my husband was running the scoreboard and serving as head NSO and didn't get to take any pictures at all!

Assessment Reflections: Impossible things

"Sometimes I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast...  Six impossible things.  Count them, Alice.  One, there's a potion that can make you shrink.  Two, and a cake that can make you grow.  Three, animals can talk.  Four, cats can disappear.  Five, there's a place called Wonderland.  Six, I can slay the Jabberwocky."     ~Alice in Wonderland, 2010

The big night for our fresh meat skaters finally arrived last night!  The rink was full of nervous concentration as we performed techniques we know by heart, as well as some that might still stump us.  It took over two hours, and the hardest part for me was wondering how I was doing that whole time.  Seven of us tested and we didn't get the results until after practice.  It was a long ride home.  While I knew I had performed well in most areas, I wasn't sure I'd done every single thing well enough.  Finally I found out that I did pass, along with three of my teammates.  I am still re-reading the announcement to be sure it's true.

I've been at this eight months.  Eight.  Almost as long as it takes to have a baby, and for me, having a baby was probably easier.  (Not raising a baby; just having one.)  The journey so far has been fun but emotional, scary at times, and I've discovered a side of myself that I didn't know was there.  Now that I have reached this first summit, I'm ready to push harder.  I need to improve my long-known weak points of hitting, blocking, and understanding strategy.  I'm skating in our fresh meat invitational on March 30th, and from there I'll be preparing for my first real bout.  Onward and upward.

When I look back at where I started, I know more than ever that I needed derby.  We all need to believe impossible things about ourselves.  I never thought of myself as an athlete, and I wasn't "born with skates on" like several of the girls on our team, either.  I have always struggled with sports.  Dodgeball, softball, basketball, volleyball--you name it, I couldn't play it.  I was so terrified of high school gym class that I signed up for Junior ROTC just to escape it.  The feeling that I was confused and clumsy at sports sank deep into my bones and after high school, opportunities to disprove that feeling seemed to vanish.  

And then, finally, I found roller derby.  I was at best a mediocre, very occasional rink skater.  Me, weave through that pace line?  No way.  Hip checks?  Are you kidding?  That's a death-defying stunt.  Skate close together in a pack?  Do a 180 and pop up on my toe stops?  Skate 25 laps in five minutes when I've never moved that fast outside of a motor vehicle?  Let someone sling me, push me, hit me while zooming around with eight wheels strapped to my feet?  Impossible.  Never going to happen.

But somehow it did.  And if I have all of that in me, what else is in there that I don't know about?  There's this race called The Bear that I someday want to run.  You begin at the bottom of a mountain and finish at the top.  It's five miles completely uphill.  At first it was a far-off, far-fetched item on my bucket list.  So far, I've never run anything even close to that.  I wondered if I might do my best and still get picked up by the van that comes for stragglers.  Now I look at it and think, pshaw, if I train for it I know I can kick that race's butt.  And someday I will.

We are blind to so much of our own potential.  I'll be forever thankful that derby helped me uncover some of mine.  With all the skulls and crossbones, racy nicknames, and tiny shorts, it took me a while to recognize roller derby for the Godbreeze it is.  I think of all the wonderful women who have helped and encouraged me, and the new ladies fighting their way through and discovering new sides of themselves.  I see my daughters watching me do what I dream of and absorbing it into their hearts and I know I was meant to be part of this.  Without a shred of irony, thank God for roller derby.

P.S.  A photo from last weekend of all-star Columbia Quad Squad jammer Mel Anoma.  The grinning, excited little girl?  Her newest fan, R.L. Bustya, future jammer.  She is also my five-year-old daughter, Suzi.  Maybe she'll change her mind and take on a challenge other than skating, and that'll be fine with me.  Whatever she does, I want her to always know there's no end to her potential.  She is amazing and capable and she can reach out and claim her dreams, with force if necessary.  That's roller derby.

Banana peels: Working on derby skills at home

I've mentioned several times my struggle with 180 toe stops, or switchbacks.  I could do them, but I could only do them to the right and only if I wasn't going too fast.  I was working on it, but it was coming along slowly--especially learning to do them in the other direction.  Then Monday at practice we spent a while on a "banana peel" drill.  In this drill, you skate in two lines side-by-side and when you get to the front, you do a 180 and jump in the back of the line again.  You can probably see how, done correctly, this drill would resemble a banana being peeled.  But for me, it was aptly named because I felt like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel over and over again.  I kept falling, and by the time I got caught up, several people behind me in line had already gone and it was my turn again.  It was a huge mess!

I knew I needed to work on this, so Tuesday night after the kids were asleep I put on my skates and did 180 toe stops in the living room while we watched Doctor Who.  Had to sweep a bit first.

Our laminate floor is an easy and forgiving surface to skate on.  I was even able to figure out 180 toe stops to the left, which had stumped me completely at the rink!  More than an hour and hundreds of 180's later, I realized the mistakes I had been making, improved my technique, and made these turns a bit more automatic for me.

Because my floor at home is so easy to skate on, and because I can only get up so much speed between my couch and the sliding glass door, I went to practice early to try it at the rink.  There was definitely progress!  We did the banana peel drill again, and this time I wasn't a cartoon character slipping on banana peels!  Turns out it's a fun drill.

I still need to work on this, especially turning to the left, but working on it at home really helped me jump ahead from one practice to the next.  I'm already thinking of what I can work on at home next.  My freshmeat teammate Clip Her mentioned a roller derby workout DVD that I think looks fun!  I need to be better about doing squats, planks, and leg lifts with skates on a regular basis, and I can do those things while watching TV.  I already knew that just skating around while doing chores could improve balance, and I definitely need to spend some time reading rules and derby blogs and watching bout footage.  Other than that, the main thing I need to work on is blocking/hitting.

Hmm.  Jordan might have some bruises later.

Don't blink

The Doctor Who sticker I ordered for my helmet, designed by the-other-mike on Redbubble

My helmet is still naked!  I have one sticker already, sent to me by a Facebook friend, that I still need to put on there.  Other than that, I just hadn't found anything that resonated with me, and I haven't yet been in a bout to collect the sticker of another team.  There are many cute and funny derby girl stickers, but everyone has those and I wanted something sort of unique.  Today I found some "don't blink" stickers online.  It's a reference to one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes.  I ordered several different designs to choose from.  Can't wait to get them!

At Monday's practice, I finally skated my 25 in 5:00 again!  4:55 to be exact.  It was a happy, happy night for me.  I'm also learning to skate backwards, after all these months.  The other fresh meat girls and I are getting close to our first official assessments, so I'm doing my best to make every practice count!

When practice is over and you're mad at yourself

After practice a few nights ago, one of my fresh meat teammates posted on Facebook that she left practice frustrated.  That she wants it, but it's hard.  (I'm paraphrasing.)  I experience this frequently as well.  Monday, for instance, was not a good practice for me.  Minutes before arriving, I got a phone call that left me worried and anxious all night.  There was nothing we could do about it, so I went to practice, thankful for the distraction.

After stretches, we started out with an endurance drill.  Perhaps I am the exception, but I enjoy these most of all.  For the first few minutes of practice, we pulled and pushed each other repeatedly around the track.  That was fun.  Later, though, we played a game called four corners.  Most of our skaters had played at least once or twice before, but I missed those practices, so it was my first time.  It took me at least four rounds to even figure out what I was supposed to be doing, and once I did, I didn't do it well.  Positional blocking is an ongoing struggle.  Hitting and pushing is clumsy, and jamming...  Well, I am trying!  I love how four corners simplified blocking and jamming to help me understand the basic techniques involved, but I was still disappointed in myself.  Then I thought about that phone call I'd gotten and just wanted to go home, eat donuts, and drink wine.  I didn't do it, but I wanted to!  During the drive home on nights like these, I ask myself:  What are you afraid of?  Why didn't you just go for it?  Why aren't you faster, sharper, braver?  When my inner critic starts tearing me down and I want to cry, I think about where I started.

Then:  I could skate, but I couldn't stop or even slow down.  If someone called me off the rink, I'd say "just a minute, I'll be right there!" while I slowly circled around.

Now:  I can plow stop!  I can t-stop, too, although it's not my favorite.  If I'm not going too fast, I can do a 180 toe-stop.

Then:  My crossovers were choppy and timid and barely there.

Now:  I can do them, and have moved on to cleaning up my clockwise crossovers.

Then:  Once I got up to a somewhat decent speed, it scared me because I'd never moved that fast outside of a car.

Now:  I am almost skating my 25 in 5.  Just need to shave a few seconds off!  Speed doesn't bother me anymore.

Then:  I constantly thought, "OMG don't touch me I'll fall!!!"

Now:  Last practice we had a whips race in which partners take turns slinging each other around the track to catch the other team.  I accidentally clawed Torch's arm, leaving a mark.  We lost that round but won the next one.  I'm not afraid of whips anymore!  But I do need to cut my nails.

Then:  Skating in a pack at all was terrifying.  While clumsily trying to weave in a pace line, I thought I might die.

Now:  We do hitting and weaving in a pace line, and while I'm not great at it, I'm okay.  I usually manage to hit my targets now, rather than whizzing past them and having to back up for a second try.  When others hit me, I usually stay up.

Before I started in June, I never could have imagined myself doing these things.  When you're feeling down on yourself, remember where you started.  Even on those crappy days that might have you wondering why you laced up at all, progress is made.  Those crappy days are landmarks on the way to your personal finish line, and as long as you are trying, you are getting something done.  I might have sucked at four corners, but I learned a couple of new things about blocking and next time I won't be quite so lost in the grass.  While success in this sport is hard-won, it helps me to remember where I started.  When I think about how much I've changed already, it reminds me why I wanted this.  Then I imagine myself continuing that gradual upward curve until I'm passing assessments, scrimmaging, skating in my first bout.  I'm on my way!

Where did you begin?  It only makes sense that you'll reach your goal if you keep investing your time and energy!

Assessments: How close am I?

URGE was in the Easley Christmas parade December 1st!  We brought our kids and many of us skated.  It was so much fun!

Well, it's been a while, but don't worry.  I'm still skating!  Over the past few weeks I have gotten a lot more comfortable and excited to be at derby, like I was in late summer, and have gotten a lot more comfortable with certain hang-ups of mine such as hitting.

First of all, I have been meaning to announce for anyone who is wondering that the Triple Eight Bumsaver WORKS.  I would recommend it to anyone who is somewhat new and doesn't want to risk a tailbone setback like the one I had.  I was withholding my opinion until I truly fell on it, but now I've fallen on the tailbone pads a couple of times and everything was fine!  It is a bit annoying to put that extra layer on, but I'm going to keep wearing it until I'm better at falling forward.

Last night at practice I got to go through the assessments list with two amazing veteran skaters, Raven Maniac and Full Metal Arsonist.  I think I am closer than I thought to passing!  Here are the WFTDA minimum skills requirements.  I can do all the basics, although there are a couple of things I need to work on, and we got through some of section four, skating with others before we ran out of time.  I can do all the whips now without falling over, and no longer panic when pushed.  Excited to finally pass assessments soon!

It was fun working with Raven and Arson.  Raven is our new team captain, by the way!  She is fabulous and has always encouraged me to go just a little bit further than I thought I could.  Being on a team with ladies like these is one of my favorite things about derby.

At the end of practice last night I tried for my 25 in 5.  Last time I was over by about 15 seconds, skating with several other fresh meat skaters, so this time I skated with Arson leading to set the pace.  5:02.  Sigh.  I had it in exactly 5:00 over the summer and I know I can get it again!  I was told I needed to pick it up a little, and I did try, but after a practice like the one we'd had, my left thigh was burning after about lap 10.  Looks like I need to get back to running and do some squats while watching TV to help with my derby position.  Next time!

Skating out of my little comfort zone

Torch is going to push me

When I was about five, my mom signed me up for gymnastics. The teacher said, "okay, get on that bar up there and do a flip." That bar... way, way up there. I said no. It just seemed inadvisable for someone who didn't want to break her neck. Too far beyond my comfort zone.

We are frequently asked to leave our comfort zones. You know the feeling. Driving in really bad traffic. Singing karaoke. Dancing in public. Standing up for our rights. It's different for everyone, but if you want to grow at all, you have to leave your zone sometimes. I leave mine quite frequently at derby practice.

Last night the leaders on our team were going through the list of assessments so we could see what we needed to work on, and they asked me if I had ever practiced getting pushed into other people. Is there a way to word that so it doesn't sound so funny? During bouts, especially for new girls, there's a lot to take in. If you are on the track and the other team's jammer is skating right past you and you don't move to stop her, one of your teammates might give you a push to help you out. Yes, this was outside of my comfort zone. But instead of saying no like I did in gymnastics class and countless other times over the past 20-something years, I said "uhmmmm, well... okay."

I have never before tried any contact sport, so getting comfortable with my teammates grabbing and pushing and pulling me is something I've seriously got to work on. I always knew that that and understanding how the game works and how I fit into it would be much more challenging for me than any fall, turn, or stop. It's not going to happen in a night. Last night, as the veteran skaters tried their best to push me in the right direction, I was stiff and difficult to move. I need to loosen up and trust they are pushing me where I need to go. It's just not that easy when my brain is saying DON'T FALL! It's been saying that for years, whether it's a social fall or an emotional fall or a physical one. But even though I left my comfort zone very nervously last night, I did leave it, and I fell. Lots. And it was fine. There was some improvement, even though I went home wishing I had met that challenge with a yes, knowing I could have done better if I'd done it with my whole heart.

My favorite college professor, with whom I am still friends on Facebook, saw that I had started derby and introduced me to an awesome derby girl from out of state. She has years and years of experience. The other day she sent me my first helmet sticker, along with a few pages of advice, including this: "If you get too happy or too worried, you get out of the focused zone. Respect the danger." Yes. I need to do that. I've signed up and paid dues and bought skates. I'm definitely not quitting; I don't think I could. I've decided it's worth it, so I need to be all in.

I am still glad I said no to the flip on the high bar, by the way. I was never meant to fly as gymnasts do, up in the air on bars and beams. But I am glad for the opportunity to leave my comfort zone at derby practice. We all need to spend a little time outside of that zone, doing something worthwhile to us. It's the best way to grow ourselves into more powerful people.

Where does the boundary of your comfort zone lie, and in what ways do you choose to leave it?

Spooked

When it comes to derby, the past few days have not been good for me. I'd had a bunch of fun, challenging, confidence-building practices. But a couple of people I know (and at least one other I've heard about) have had some rather serious injuries recently. Involving casts. I feel so bad for them! And I've been a little spooked. I always knew derby was rough, and I still want to do it. It's just that my kids are so little and challenging and everywhere and having certain injuries would make taking care of them next to impossible--and cost a fortune in medical bills. I'd feel a lot better about it if we lived in Canada.

Anyway, I'm not giving up skating. I don't think I could at this point. It's drastically improved my mental health. I've met some awesome people that I would really miss. Giving up something as challenging and fulfilling as derby would leave a pretty big hole in one's life, I'd imagine. I'm not even sure what could fill it. So I'm going to skate, and if I'm going to skate, I'm going to have to stop worrying and be all in.

As for practice last night, I didn't get much done. I worked on one-foot glides (the right is sometimes shaky), and spent a lot of time on 180 toe stops (aka switchbacks). Those 180's are driving me nuts and put me in an even worse mood. I did get some advice from Con Artist and I think they are a least a little improved. Practice will be better on Wednesday. And I'll be better too.

New helmet!

Got a shiny blue helmet! Now that I have my own, I can eventually cover it in stickers. Yay!

Punched in the leg by a wheel

And it is looking more and more awesome all the time.

Roller derby was so much fun last night. It had been a frustrating, negative day (I should have stayed off Facebook!) and by the time Jordan got home I wanted to punch someone. Then I went to roller derby, got all that negative energy out, and one of my wheels punched me in the leg. Ouch. But we went home (by way of Zaxby's, my fave!) and it was a happy, sweaty, exhausted night, which is just what I wanted.

We worked on skating close together (hard for me!), whips, and falls/stops/turns. Eventually, during the last part, my legs got tired and I was just everywhere. That's when the skate punch to the leg occurred. Also, Jordan and I arrived at practice early, so before anyone else arrived he put out little cones for me to jump over. I love jumping over cones for some reason--it's so fun!

I thought I'd make a list of the skills I still need. I think I've tried almost everything, but many of them need lots of work. There are some things I'll think I have, and then during drills my ability to carry it out is disappointing. I'm trying, but I need more practice! So here's where I am right now...

Skills I still need: 180 toe stop, hip whips, arm whips, hitting, blocking, actual playing in any position, general understanding of derby rules and strategy. I'm sure there are more I'm forgetting.

Kinda getting there but need lots of work: plow stop, t-stop, 180 knee falls, clockwise crossovers.

Recent skill acquisitions I'm way too excited about: jumping, one-foot glides.

A top ten list...

Of the first night I tried hitting at practice.

10. Almost getting the one-foot glide. All I need is a little more balance and practice.

9. Weaving around cones! I love cones!

8. Pace lines. I love skating with the team and I think I am almost almost caught up to where I can skate with everybody else!

7. Jumping over a little cone with both skates off the ground. Wheee! And every time I did it, I was absolutely shocked I didn't fall down.

6. Getting scared and skating out of bounds because my friend was chasing me and yelling "EAT THE BABY!"

5. Practicing hitting (and being hit by) Raven Maniac. She is fabulous and all muscle and hard as a rock when you bump into her. She did not go as easy on me as the others on my first night. But I didn't fall down!

Glad I have these photos, because now I can see how much lower I need to get!

4. Understanding the game better because I had patient people to answer my million questions.

3. Not being able to stop smiling as I slammed into the football hitting pad, because I was so nervous and I laugh when I get nervous.

2. That moment when it sunk in that I am supposed to hit people as hard as I hit the pad. I've never hit anyone before. I mean, is that really okay? Apparently it is. I didn't hate it. I think I'll get used to it.

1. Getting help and advice from Anne R. Ki, Raven Maniac, and Full Metal Arsonist, all at once. Thanks so much, ladies! You all are wonderful and helped me a ton last night.

5 on the dot--and derby with kids

Me and Suzi after my 25 laps

Yep! I did my 25 in 5! In exactly five, as my daughter and teammates cheered me on. There is a spot on the track where I always seem to pick up speed scary fast, and it makes me feel off balance. But if I lean forward into the speed, find the "imaginary circle" of the track the vets taught me about, and try to keep doing crossovers as continuously as possible to keep up momentum, I can get around the track so much faster and easier. The crossovers really are the thing!

One of our newest fresh meat girls, Melissa, skated her 25 laps in 6:12--an eight second improvement over her last try and a great beginner's time. We spent the rest of practice working on falls and stops. For left and right knee falls, I have gotten to where I can usually just touch, pop up, and keep going.

Here I am nursing my son Robert during a break. We've figured out how to navigate practice with the kids. After the first time we brought all three of them I said we'd never do it again. For a while, Suzi (5) and Ivey (almost 3) either went to Grandma's house or I went to practice alone. But then we borrowed my parents' portable DVD player so we could show them a movie during practice. Last night we didn't even turn it on, though. Suzi and Ivey played with Anne R. Ki's daughter while the daddies supervised. Sometimes they still do go to Grandma's, but they can come with us, enjoy themselves, and behave fairly well.

For Robert, our 15-month-old, our Ergo baby carrier is a lifesaver. Jordan straps the baby onto his back, and off he goes to help with whatever. Anne R. Ki and Flashpoint's husbands also carry their little guys this way. It's Ergos all around at derby practice! Jordan enjoys helping out with derby details, and I like to have him there. I want derby to be a family affair, something we can do together. I'll have to write another post later on why I think it's beneficial for kids to see their parents engaging in new, challenging athletic experiences.

There's a home bout Saturday night! Come see us and bring the family! Kids 12 and under are free!

GET UP!

I did all sorts of new things last night at derby. Things outside my comfort zone. Things that didn't feel quite right and are going to need some work. (First of all I wore fishnet, but that was fun, comfortable, and easy and from now on I don't think I want to skate in anything else.) We worked more on skating in a pack, keeping an eye out for what's going on behind us, and even a little on blocking a jammer. Remember how I've never successfully competed in any team sport before? I am more of a go-on-a-run-and-zone-out type of girl. I knew all along that I would probably progress much faster with speed and skills than I would in incorporating these skills into play. I need to do some serious work on speeding up or slowing down to stay with the pack while also keeping an eye out for what's going on behind and around me and making sure I'm working with the team to do whatever it is we need to do at the moment. It's a lot of things to think about at once! But hey--at least there are no balls!

I tried again for my 25 in 5. Practice had been pretty taxing on my legs already, so when I started out, I was having a hard time staying down in a derby position. It's a lot easier to skate standing straight up, but that saps your speed during crossovers and makes it much more likely you will fall. And in the first five or so laps, that is exactly what I did.

I am glad I fell. One of the first times I tried for the 25 in 5, Kat, one of our veteran skaters, told me I should push myself a little further. Put my foot down a little harder on the crossovers, and see how far I could push on each one. I was so afraid to fall during a crossover that I was holding myself back. Last night, because I was doing a crappy job of staying down in derby position, my skate got ahead of my body during a crossover and I fell. It was a clean fall, my feet did not get tangled up, I didn't break anything... It didn't even hurt!

I just sat there for a second, thinking there was no way I could come up with a decent time after screwing up like that, but then my teammates yelled "GET UP!!!" So I did, and once I established a rhythm again I started pushing myself a little further during those crossovers. By about lap 22, my left thigh was quivering and begging me to stop. My time was 5:11.

Next time, 25 laps. Next time. I am closing in on you!

Loosen up a little

July 18, 2012

Fresh Meat skating together while vets give advice

Tonight practice focused on us fresh meat girls. We worked on crossovers, falls, weaving, and stops. We learned baseball slides--and I did some successfully, to my amazement. It was a fun night!

Halfway through practice I mentioned that my wheels were still tightened from the day I bought them last month. I'd spent plenty of time on my skates and had been meaning to loosen them a little, but hadn't gotten around to it. We decided to loosen them up right then, hoping it might improve my speed. Con Artist, one of the veteran skaters, loosened them for me.

I asked to try again for my 25 in 5. Last time I skated it in 6:11. This time I was skating alone except for our team captain skating in front of me to set the pace. I dug a little deeper and tried to keep doing crossovers the whole time, skating a circle. It was much easier on my leg muscles with the wheels loosened! So this time I skated it in...

5:13! I know I could cut that 13 seconds off easily if I could stay lower in a derby position and lean forward more. I kept standing up too straight and throwing myself off balance when I tried to speed up. Need to work on that!

The other two fresh meat girls there tonight, who have not been skating long at all, both finished their 25 in under seven minutes. I can't remember their exact times, but they were amazing for first tries! We are all gaining skills and skating faster and faster. Getting there!

~Jenny Two Shoes~

Clueless about core strength

July 10, 2012

Last night at practice I felt a little wobbly after having been off my skates for a week (no practice on the 4th of July). I continued working on plow stops, t-stops, 180 toe stops, and other basic stuff. It's slowly getting better.

We did some skating on the carpet last night, too. The resistance is higher than on the rink, so it takes a lot more work. Skating as fast as I could up and down the carpet, I still wasn't going that fast, so it was a lot more of a workout than I can get on the rink right now. I actually liked it. If it's cardio, I'm good. What I really need to work on is core strength. Core strength helps the body support itself during all sorts of demanding activities. Kneeling and leaning to give the kids a bath in the tub. Carrying the baby on my back for hours in the Ergo. Running. Using proper body mechanics to lift heavy objects. And, of course, roller derby!

There are a couple of strength-building exercises we do that are incredibly difficult for me. Planks, for one. I also know that my form must be awful. I can't see myself doing the exercises, but it feels awful! In high school, I could do about 80 sit-ups in two minutes. Let's not talk about push-ups, but sit-ups I was awesome at! Now, about a decade and three babies later with very little rehab, my abs are pretty much shot. Over the past few years I've had a separation in my abdominal muscles (diastasis recti--google it) and while it's mostly better, my abs just aren't the same as they were pre-baby.

I need to do something about regaining core strength and building upper body strength. It's the one thing I miss about the YMCA. I was using all the fancy machines and getting better, but because it was so hard to go with the kids and also expensive, we cancelled our membership. I can't do the Y and derby at the same time anyway, but this is still something I need to work on. Now I'm considering yoga at home and maybe trying some free weights, but it seems so complicated and overwhelming. I need to start small and build up, but how? Did I mention that while cardio is fairly easy, any strength-building exercise is pure torture? Well, it is.

I could really use the encouragement and accountability of a group, but it looks like I'll be working on this alone at home. Maybe I'll get my husband to do it with me. Or just sit on the couch and cheer for me/yell at me. Later today I'll see what Netflix has to offer in the way of yoga and exercise videos. Got any advice for me? Please leave a comment!

~Jenny Two Shoes~

Roller derby and mental health

Me skating and not worrying about anything

We went out of town for a somewhat stressful trip last Thursday, arrived home Sunday afternoon with a van full of assorted frack and laundry, and Monday we jumped right back into our normal routine. Or at least we tried to. Jordan went back to work, and the children and I stayed home with the giant mess. It was an awful morning. Every time I tried to accomplish anything, there was a baby bumping his head or a sister screaming about some toy-stealing injustice or a poopy diaper to change. The kids generate mess faster than I can clean it. By the time Jordan had come home for a few minutes at lunchtime, I was the one screaming. I just couldn't take any more of the eardrum-buzzing screeches, fighting, stubbornness, and chaos.

Lots of my days are like that, and when you're a stay-at-home mom, especially of all little kids and no big ones, you don't get a lunch hour or even a pee break. But when Jordan came home he could see that I was done. He told me to just keep the kids alive until he got home, and then he'd make dinner and clean. While I went to roller derby.

Yes, I thought. I have roller derby. I NEED roller derby.

I know some moms who do not work outside the home are satisfied spending practically all their time cooking, baking, homeschooling, cleaning, and momming. I think that's wonderful. I've spent a significant amount of time reading and trying different techniques to become one of these people. But it's not me. Even on a great day, when the kids have all taken a three-hour nap and I've got the laundry and dishes done and the house is sparkling from top to bottom (okay, so that's never happened exactly) I am not happy as only a mother. My potential does not rest solely in my ability to turn out offspring who will contribute favorably to society. I am my own valuable individual person. I am still not sure what my entire lifetime purpose will be. But I do know that roller derby feels right, right now. I skate, and forget about all the frustration and anger of my day. I skate, and claim a little something for myself.

I also struggle with OCD and anxiety. These, when combined with incurable social awkwardness, create a perfect storm. I've tried to tell myself that I'm getting worked up over nothing; that I'm just hard on myself. But unfortunately, I've had experiences that have confirmed I am right to worry. When you get the cold shoulder and silent treatment from a friend, it hurts. When you aren't sure why, it hurts worse. You worry that your children will suffer because you apparently suck at friendship, even though you are trying your hardest. You know people are probably talking about you because you've seen it happen before to someone else. It just hurts. I would rather someone cuss me up one side and down the other. I would rather be punched in the face, even, than have someone leave me wondering what I did wrong.

The thing I've noticed about most derby people I've met so far is that they will tell you. They'll put their feelings right out there. Also, many of them have strong personalities. It's a diverse group and they've been kind and accepting of me. They all live very different lives, but they all love to skate. I love to skate. Skating feels like flying. When you're flying you forget all that other crap.

...............................

I pull into my driveway, a little sore and a lot sweaty. I couldn't be much wetter than this if I'd been swimming with my clothes on. I used to spend this time in the evening stressing out, reading an email ten times before sending it, and mentally replaying various interactions I'd had recently. But now I change clothes, tell Jordan what I did at practice, eat dinner, and think next time. Next time I'll do those 25 laps a little faster. Next time I'll push myself harder, be braver, take more chances. Next time... Then I fall asleep on the couch, a tired and happy mama. A better mama and a stronger mama. Because of roller derby.

25 laps... in 6:11

July 3, 2012

I'm learning a little something new at every practice. Last night was the first practice after our bout with Cirque du Pain, and the veteran skaters helped us girls who haven't passed assessments yet. Con Artist taught me how to turn! It was one of those skills that was easy to learn with just a bit of instruction. Now that I can turn so much sharper and faster, I can't wait to try a drill that involves weaving!

I continued practicing 180 toe stops, plow stops and t-stops, and tried to do them at higher speeds. Those are slowly coming along, especially the t-stop, which is feeling more effective and less scary every practice. 180's are my favorite to do, but they feel scary to me when I'm going fast, so I'll have to gradually get more comfortable with it.

Last night I and three other girls tried for our 25 laps in five minutes, which is one of the hardest assessments for many people to pass. Two of the girls made it. Flashpoint skated it in 8:08, much faster than her previous try, and I finished in 6:11, a slight improvement over when I skated it with the team. I'm kind of annoyed at myself because I know I can do this. I'm having a hard time staying down in derby position (squatting as low as possible and leaning forward) because my legs are getting tired. Skating these laps, you use your left (inner) leg to support your weight and the right leg does most of the pushing. When I go for a run and my legs feel like they're going to give out, I push myself. When my legs get tired and I'm skating, it feels risky.

Me and Flashpoint after our 25 laps. Sweat was running in my eyes.

I am struggling with a fear of falling during a crossover. I know how to do a straightforward double knee fall, but during a crossover I worry that my skates will get tangled up and I'll twist something. This is a hangup I'm going to have to get over! I wish I'd just fall already and get it over with so I'll know what it feels like.

The thing I most want to work on is shaving 1:11 off my 25 laps. I need to do squats at home to strengthen my leg muscles so I can stay in derby position. I need to get more comfortable on my skates so I'm not as afraid to fall. I really need to get back out and run! I thought about running this morning but I was just. Too. Tired. There's no practice tomorrow (4th of July!) so I'll definitely be able to run then. Even though I love skating, I miss running. It's so straightforward. I'll also be putting my skates on and rolling around the house a bit before our next practice. Someday I want my roller skates to be as familiar and predictable to me as my favorite pair of shoes!

~Jenny Two Shoes~

A terrifyingly awesome night at derby practice

June 25, 2012

Saturday night I went skating with a couple of friends to break my new skates in. It was open skate night, so I didn't wear pads. However, I did get the crossover! It felt great. I also came to the sad realization that I can no longer stop effectively. Plow stops and t-stops are both very difficult with my new skates! I'll have to work on that--a lot. Overall, though, it's amazing to skate in something comfortable and familiar. Yay, new skates!

Sunday night I went to practice again. First, I did my 25 laps in 6:15, skating with the pack. It was harder than skating alone, so I know if I can do it with them I can do it by myself a little faster. I need to get that down to five minutes. And you know all those weaving, skating in a pack drills that were scary to watch? I did them! The team went my pace and helped me along. There were still a few things that went completely over my head, such as 180 turns and some of the falls, but I've only been at it a couple of weeks. I will get there, and I think I'm going to love derby. I definitely love the people; they are wonderful.

I didn't realize quite how effective derby skating is for exercise until I got home and stepped out of the car. Owww. And it was so exciting and fun, it didn't feel like work at all while I was doing it. It's hard. But I love it.

~Jenny Two Shoes~

Trying to Motivate Myself

Derby is hard! Especially when you've never skated before. I know I've come a long way, but I'm now getting to a point where it's getting super frustrating. When I first started in February, I made myself a goal to be bout ready by our upcoming bout on July 14th. Guess what? I'm nowhere near ready. I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, which is causing me to suck at practice, thus causing me to question WTH I'm even doing in this sport. It's a vicious cycle and I have no one to blame but myself (whine whine whine). While I love seeing all these new girls come in and get on the track, it sucks to see myself still on the sidelines. So what do I need to do to get my motivation in check and get my name on that roster?

Time to bust it!!

I've decided that simply skating on practice nights isn't enough. I need to incorporate some cross training or I'm just going to continue holding on the wall, sipping my gatorade because my feet hurt. I need to quit being a baby and bust my ass both on and off skates. I'm starting my couch 2 5K program again and actually making use of the weight cable machine collecting dust at work. No more excuses or days off, I'll get nowhere with that mindset.

Get out of my head!!!

The biggest thing holding me back is myself. I have the strength, ability, and support from my team and fiance. I just need to get out of my head and quit telling myself I can't do it.

I'd love to hear what other skaters are doing to keep their skills up and motivation in check.