Roller derby and mental health

Me skating and not worrying about anything

We went out of town for a somewhat stressful trip last Thursday, arrived home Sunday afternoon with a van full of assorted frack and laundry, and Monday we jumped right back into our normal routine. Or at least we tried to. Jordan went back to work, and the children and I stayed home with the giant mess. It was an awful morning. Every time I tried to accomplish anything, there was a baby bumping his head or a sister screaming about some toy-stealing injustice or a poopy diaper to change. The kids generate mess faster than I can clean it. By the time Jordan had come home for a few minutes at lunchtime, I was the one screaming. I just couldn't take any more of the eardrum-buzzing screeches, fighting, stubbornness, and chaos.

Lots of my days are like that, and when you're a stay-at-home mom, especially of all little kids and no big ones, you don't get a lunch hour or even a pee break. But when Jordan came home he could see that I was done. He told me to just keep the kids alive until he got home, and then he'd make dinner and clean. While I went to roller derby.

Yes, I thought. I have roller derby. I NEED roller derby.

I know some moms who do not work outside the home are satisfied spending practically all their time cooking, baking, homeschooling, cleaning, and momming. I think that's wonderful. I've spent a significant amount of time reading and trying different techniques to become one of these people. But it's not me. Even on a great day, when the kids have all taken a three-hour nap and I've got the laundry and dishes done and the house is sparkling from top to bottom (okay, so that's never happened exactly) I am not happy as only a mother. My potential does not rest solely in my ability to turn out offspring who will contribute favorably to society. I am my own valuable individual person. I am still not sure what my entire lifetime purpose will be. But I do know that roller derby feels right, right now. I skate, and forget about all the frustration and anger of my day. I skate, and claim a little something for myself.

I also struggle with OCD and anxiety. These, when combined with incurable social awkwardness, create a perfect storm. I've tried to tell myself that I'm getting worked up over nothing; that I'm just hard on myself. But unfortunately, I've had experiences that have confirmed I am right to worry. When you get the cold shoulder and silent treatment from a friend, it hurts. When you aren't sure why, it hurts worse. You worry that your children will suffer because you apparently suck at friendship, even though you are trying your hardest. You know people are probably talking about you because you've seen it happen before to someone else. It just hurts. I would rather someone cuss me up one side and down the other. I would rather be punched in the face, even, than have someone leave me wondering what I did wrong.

The thing I've noticed about most derby people I've met so far is that they will tell you. They'll put their feelings right out there. Also, many of them have strong personalities. It's a diverse group and they've been kind and accepting of me. They all live very different lives, but they all love to skate. I love to skate. Skating feels like flying. When you're flying you forget all that other crap.

...............................

I pull into my driveway, a little sore and a lot sweaty. I couldn't be much wetter than this if I'd been swimming with my clothes on. I used to spend this time in the evening stressing out, reading an email ten times before sending it, and mentally replaying various interactions I'd had recently. But now I change clothes, tell Jordan what I did at practice, eat dinner, and think next time. Next time I'll do those 25 laps a little faster. Next time I'll push myself harder, be braver, take more chances. Next time... Then I fall asleep on the couch, a tired and happy mama. A better mama and a stronger mama. Because of roller derby.