When practice is over and you're mad at yourself

After practice a few nights ago, one of my fresh meat teammates posted on Facebook that she left practice frustrated.  That she wants it, but it's hard.  (I'm paraphrasing.)  I experience this frequently as well.  Monday, for instance, was not a good practice for me.  Minutes before arriving, I got a phone call that left me worried and anxious all night.  There was nothing we could do about it, so I went to practice, thankful for the distraction.

After stretches, we started out with an endurance drill.  Perhaps I am the exception, but I enjoy these most of all.  For the first few minutes of practice, we pulled and pushed each other repeatedly around the track.  That was fun.  Later, though, we played a game called four corners.  Most of our skaters had played at least once or twice before, but I missed those practices, so it was my first time.  It took me at least four rounds to even figure out what I was supposed to be doing, and once I did, I didn't do it well.  Positional blocking is an ongoing struggle.  Hitting and pushing is clumsy, and jamming...  Well, I am trying!  I love how four corners simplified blocking and jamming to help me understand the basic techniques involved, but I was still disappointed in myself.  Then I thought about that phone call I'd gotten and just wanted to go home, eat donuts, and drink wine.  I didn't do it, but I wanted to!  During the drive home on nights like these, I ask myself:  What are you afraid of?  Why didn't you just go for it?  Why aren't you faster, sharper, braver?  When my inner critic starts tearing me down and I want to cry, I think about where I started.

Then:  I could skate, but I couldn't stop or even slow down.  If someone called me off the rink, I'd say "just a minute, I'll be right there!" while I slowly circled around.

Now:  I can plow stop!  I can t-stop, too, although it's not my favorite.  If I'm not going too fast, I can do a 180 toe-stop.

Then:  My crossovers were choppy and timid and barely there.

Now:  I can do them, and have moved on to cleaning up my clockwise crossovers.

Then:  Once I got up to a somewhat decent speed, it scared me because I'd never moved that fast outside of a car.

Now:  I am almost skating my 25 in 5.  Just need to shave a few seconds off!  Speed doesn't bother me anymore.

Then:  I constantly thought, "OMG don't touch me I'll fall!!!"

Now:  Last practice we had a whips race in which partners take turns slinging each other around the track to catch the other team.  I accidentally clawed Torch's arm, leaving a mark.  We lost that round but won the next one.  I'm not afraid of whips anymore!  But I do need to cut my nails.

Then:  Skating in a pack at all was terrifying.  While clumsily trying to weave in a pace line, I thought I might die.

Now:  We do hitting and weaving in a pace line, and while I'm not great at it, I'm okay.  I usually manage to hit my targets now, rather than whizzing past them and having to back up for a second try.  When others hit me, I usually stay up.

Before I started in June, I never could have imagined myself doing these things.  When you're feeling down on yourself, remember where you started.  Even on those crappy days that might have you wondering why you laced up at all, progress is made.  Those crappy days are landmarks on the way to your personal finish line, and as long as you are trying, you are getting something done.  I might have sucked at four corners, but I learned a couple of new things about blocking and next time I won't be quite so lost in the grass.  While success in this sport is hard-won, it helps me to remember where I started.  When I think about how much I've changed already, it reminds me why I wanted this.  Then I imagine myself continuing that gradual upward curve until I'm passing assessments, scrimmaging, skating in my first bout.  I'm on my way!

Where did you begin?  It only makes sense that you'll reach your goal if you keep investing your time and energy!